I invite you to peer through a tiny and incomplete crack in the window of my life in hopes that you can relate to some piece of it that can help you along your journey... Becoming a mom is the biggest and best identity change I have ever been through. I look back at my former selves at key turning points in my life: The day I became a teenager, the day I moved out, the day I graduated college and embarked on the "real world", the day I became someones girlfriend and the day I became that same someones wife, the day I started a career, and the day I turned 30. All of these events shifted my identity in some dramatic way, but nothing has changed me more than having a child. I think it's true for most women, if I can so graciously speak for the majority... if you truly embrace motherhood and every change that comes with it, your life and the world around you will never be the same in the most beautiful way!
It's absolutely true that no other woman can describe to you what kind of impact your birth will have on you. That I imagine is different for each individual, but one thing is true: birth is powerful in every way, and no matter how spiritual you are, birth is very spiritual. If you ever need a perspective change look no further than child birth because every paradigm in your life can and will shift. All that being said I don't expect to be my former self, but rather a better, truer and more tired version of me. My ear to hear what the Lord is saying seems so much louder now. Perhaps it's because I'm hearing for two; I'm in charge of the well-being of another person. Or perhaps it's because I need direction and wisdom now more than ever since I feel so helpless having experienced something so wonderful. My need for the Lord has expanded times two and my reliance on Him is a must for the survival of everyday motherhood. Ever heard of the saying, "take it one day at a time?" Well, I've since revised that to one hour at a time and yesterday I further revised it to a half an hour at a time. And sometimes with a new baby you live minute to minute or even when they're falling asleep it's one breath to the next and that space in between where you hold your breath and pray, "Lord just keep her asleep so I can sleep!"
But isn't that how life should be lived...so fully alive within the span of one day that you can almost recall each minute of it...yet at the same time your day was so long that you can barely remember this morning because it feels like last year. A child or some other monumental event can shock you in to this reality, but a life lived in this manner is available to those who seek it out.
A word on the pain of child birth and the pain of life. One thing I quoted often to Zac throughout my pregnancy from a book I read was this saying, "the only way out is through." I was reminding myself that the only way out for my baby was through my body. That seems basic, logical and natural enough...so why would you need to quote something that is going to happen whether you like it or not? I guess it depends on what you personally have to push through. When you push a baby through your body what happens in the process is pain, excitement, mystery, so then then the only way out is through whatever you are feeling. When we're talking about the pain of our past...the only way out is through. You must face those pains and push through them until a new you is born...one that is rid of all those wounds. If you stay in the pain or you hold onto your wounds then that is where you will remain forever, and it will hurt worse and worse and worse. You may choose to numb it or go around it or avoid it altogether, but there you will remain. Once you finally push through, something beautiful is born. It is a glorious and awe-filled moment for you and for everyone rooting you on, but guess what? You're going to have to recover from all that pushing through the pain, but I assure you when you finally do, you will take on the face of a new identity...in child birth it's called motherhood, in life it's called freedom.
I share this analogy because I have known people for many years and they've never pushed through all their pain or past hurts. I've seen them remain there, and their hearts have gotten further broken while their eyes have grown dim and their hopes forgotten. They try to cover them up with the newest this or that. They try to fake it with a smile or a laugh, but if you're really looking you can see through all their masks. Some don't hide it at all, their hurt and pain is on public display and it puts on a grand show every weekend. Some just settle for the chip on their shoulder and some have actually lied themselves into believing it's gone. The pain within us all is a serous issue that needs to be faced, dealt with and pushed through. But let me tell you how I pushed my baby out...I was holding tightly both of the hands of the man I love. He told me I was marvelous, he told me I was perfect. He looked me in the eyes and was there the whole way through. So you see the way out is through, but it's actually through love. Love will get you through the pain of life, love will give you the strength and confidence to push through. I know a man and His name is Love, His name is Jesus, but I've never seen him. He comes down and shows up in you and her and him and your friend and your family member. He works through people. So if you're trying to push through yet you've pushed all the people away in your life that can help you, then you've pushed away love, and you've pushed away the helping hands that will hold you when you need them the most. God is in community. God is in the ones we love. God is here for you. You're not alone in life and for all those moms out there, you're not alone in motherhood. You are loved and love always pushes through with you.
I've spent the last couple of days reflecting on my 20's and the new decade ahead of me. I enjoyed a wonderful 30th birthday and I'm very thankful for all my friends and family that shared it with me!
One of the things that has bothered me most about the past couple of years is my lack of writing. I used to write daily, but slowly got away from that habit. I'd like to practice that more often going into my 30's. I feel like I've been more absorbing everything around me the past few years, instead of releasing things on paper. The problem with not writing is that we tend to forget the little memories and special things that have happened to us over time, if we fail to document them. Just yesterday I found three old letters from Zac sent to me on my 25th birthday. I read them to him and he said wow, the cool thing about memories, at least the good ones is that they remind us of the goodness of God and the special things that have happened to us in our lives. I didn't remember all the little detailed things Zac had done for me until I was refreshed by those letters. So are we refreshed by the word of God when we read the letters in the Bible. We are reminded of what God has done for us, especially through the stories of Jesus' death and resurrection. If we don't remind ourselves over the years, the power of that one event will fade until we don't even recall the details at all.
There is a special power and life locked inside our memories; why do you think the Bible is basically a retelling of what has happened? It's about the lives and events of those who came before us. It's a memoir of Gods love for us. It's a compilation of stories to help us remember. Don't let anyone discourage you into thinking your story doesn't matter, including yourself and especially don't let anyone tell you the stories in Bible are no longer relevant. Peoples stories and memories matter, and they should be told and retold.
My hope for my 30's is to continue to document Zac and my story while not losing sight of our precious memories. I believe that Zac and I will also play a special role in the documenting and retelling of other peoples stories. Learning of other peoples stories helps us realize how our story fits into the bigger story of mankind. Help cheer Zac and I on as we venture into parenthood and further pursue our not fully realized dreams as storytellers and visionaries by praying for us and sending words of encouragement our way...or even by blessing us with some baby items ;-) We still need a few things off our registry if you feel so inclined we are registered at Amazon.com and Target.com under Zachary DeDominicis or Leilani VanArsdale. You can leave us comments here on our blog or write us via email at leilaniola@gmail.com, and we love snail mail hand written letters sent to our address at :
4045 George Busbee Parkway #1309
Kennesaw, GA 30144
I'm just now starting to process the fact that Zac and I were both ordained as ministers in late March at Living Word Chapel in West Hurley, NY. Though the service was long I am glad that it was documented for us to not forget the words of encouragement spoken over us and the gravity of the event. (You can watch the service here by copying this link into your browser: https://livestream.com/LivingWordChapelLivestream/events/7183168/videos/152679014) If you fast forward to 1:57:00 that is when Zac gets up to speak. We do not take it lightly and I pray we take this call to ministry to it's fullest capacity, and inspire and encourage many people with our service. Let us know if we can bless your life in any way, whether it be through prayer or some other means. We would love to stay in touch with those near and far, and know what is going on in your lives by sharing in your victories as well as your hardships as you share in ours.
Remember this verse as you go about your week:
"He fills my life with good things, so that I stay young and strong like an Eagle." Psalm 103:5
Ahhhhhhh! A brand new year full of possibilities, and in our case a baby! In case you haven't heard yet, here's our official social media announcement....WE'RE HAVING A BABY! I am now 20 weeks pregnant, which marks the official half way point. Yesterday we had our anatomy scan....don't get ahead of yourselves now...we don't know the sex....yet. Zac and I have been ready for a baby for sometime, and Zac has wanted to be a Father since he was like a teenager. So you can imagine his excitement with the news of a little one. I am blessed to be able to have stopped working about two weeks ago. Flying was becoming increasingly difficult with a growing baby. Don't get me started on turbulence and nausea, and not to mention having to use an airplane toilet every five minutes to pee...which if you've never been on a plane, is the grossest place on Earth. (and the smallest! - Zac's note.) If all goes in our favor I won't have to return to work until 2018! Can I get an Amen? Being home for once is a much welcomed reprieve from the last ten months of my life. Many people have said, "what are you going to do at home for all that time?" hahahaha Trust me, I can think of a few things, and to start I'll finally unpack my suitcase for a little while.
We discovered our little bambino was hiding somewhere inside of me on September 26th, our 2nd anniversary. This was the best present that Zac and I could have asked for. I had a slight inkling that I may be pregnant two days prior to our actual anniversary. We were out of town celebrating so I said, "we'll just check when we get home." I was working a trip that had a 33 hour layover in Chattanooga, and Zac drove up from Atlanta to meet me and we stayed at the Chattanoogan hotel for two nights. I landed after working four flights on the 23rd of September and hurried to my room so I could decorate it for Zac's arrival. Zac showed up just before I nearly passed out from blowing up a ridiculous amount of balloons by myself. He came with my favorite thai dish from Sweet Basil's in hand, was dressed to the nines and was sporting a new haircut. The next morning we ate breakfast at my all time favorite place in college, Rembrandts, and then Zac had planned to take me to Rock City to go hiking. We spent most of the day there, hiking and enjoying the view of seven states all at once. He stopped at a popular spot on the trail called "Lovers Leap" and gave me a card that explained how we had taken a leap together in life the past two years and he couldn't wait for the rest of our lives to unfold.
For sunset we had planned a photoshoot with the talented Melody Hood at Innamorata Photography. We rushed back to our hotel to clean up from the hike and meet Melody for a nature shoot in the mountains of Soddy Daisy. We're even happier now that we documented our 2nd anniversary since it will be our last one that is just us. From now on all our pictures will include a little photo bomber. We finished the night out with a delicious dinner in downtown Chattanooga at a newer place called Stir...known for their fancy ice cubes, and the scallops weren't bad either. The next morning I had to fly out to work four more flights back to NYC, and Zac drove home. I planned to come home on the the day of our anniversary. I would be bringing any of my last remaining belongings from New York back to Atlanta since I had been transferred home to Atlanta, and I only had one more trip to work out of NYC after that.
I returned to Atlanta late afternoon and I can't even remember what we did the rest of the day, probably because I was so exhausted. That evening I told Zac, "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant." And he said, "how do you know!?" I explained I knew it was pretty likely because I was pregnant once before and I felt exactly the same way as I did then. He said, "you need to take a pregnancy test!" I was reluctant and didn't want to go to the store and buy one. He could hardly wait, so he jumped in the car, drove to the store, I'm imagining awkwardly scanned the pregnancy test aisle and bought a three pack and was home in what seemed like the span of ten minutes! I peed on the stick and it instantly showed up as positive the moment the pee hit the stick. Zac said, "well maybe we should wait two minutes because that's what the box says." We waited and of course the plus sign just got bolder. He said, "well maybe you should take the other two just to be certain." He was in disbelief so I took one the next morning....positive, and another one the next night...that one was positive too. It was three for three and if that wasn't enough confirmation I had an annual exam scheduled the following day where the nurse for the 4th time confirmed that we were indeed pregnant.
Life didn't slow down there! I was off to the Netherlands the very next day with hardly a moment to relish in this exciting news. I packed my bags, closed my eyes and before I knew it I was waking up in Amsterdam. Now that I was pregnant it was all I could think about. I believe motherhood starts at conception. Through pregnancy you begin to become a mother, it's always on your mind. Not one day passes that you're not intensely aware that you're growing a child, no matter how small or invisible they may be, they are always on your mind. I went for a solo bike ride near my hotel through some luscious green parks with beautiful canals and sculptures, all the while thinking about how I was going to be mom! It was a timeless morning for me, here I was living a dream, bike riding through Amsterdam with baby in tote. I can't wait to tell him or her the first place I know that we went together was across the Atlantic to the Netherlands.
We can't wait to meet our little bundle of joy at the end of May and endure, yes endure parenthood together. Although we got a little head start with this one, Zac and I have been parents for a little while now, we just haven't had the baby to hold to make it complete. Zac got the baby and I a little Christmas gift because he know's I like signs with cute sayings on them. This one says "We Loved You Even Before You Were Born". Oh, how true that is. Our prayer for you baby is that you keep growing healthy and strong and we'll kiss you soon.
Love Mom and Dad.
